{"id":328,"date":"2011-01-15T21:46:18","date_gmt":"2011-01-16T02:46:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/themaritalarts.com\/?page_id=328"},"modified":"2011-02-10T09:47:21","modified_gmt":"2011-02-10T14:47:21","slug":"discussion-of-bubers-quote","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/relationshiparts.com\/?page_id=328","title":{"rendered":"Discussion of Martin Buber Quote for Relationship Artists"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\"Martin<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/strong><\/em>

Martin Buber, I and Thou<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cThis, however, is the sublime melancholy of our lot that every You must become an It in our world.\u201d<\/strong><\/em> Martin Buber<\/a>
\n<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n

When Martin Buber talked about \u201cYou\u201d and \u201cIt\u201d he was describing a profound distinction that we can easily lose track of in our everyday experience.\u00a0 When \u201cYou\u201d become an \u201cIt\u201d to someone else, it means your essential humanity is diminished. The other person sees you solely as a \u201cmeans\u201d to their ends. For instance, we can easily forget the essential humanity of our customers, our sales people, our clients, our teachers and students, the men and women we see on the street, police officers, politicians, doctors, lawyers, or anyone else who colludes in the obfuscation of their essential \u201cpersonhood\u201d by assuming a role. Unfortunately we do this all the time, not only to the people we interact with daily in our work and consumer roles, and the other casual encounters of our lives, but also to the people we cherish and love the most.<\/p>\n

In the case of relationship partners, this tendency to not see the \u201cYou\u201d results from my need to experience your \u201cqualities\u201d in terms of how they reflect on me<\/em> or serve me<\/em> in my life. I have chosen you, we might say, as an \u201cobject\u201d because you are beautiful, handsome, rich smart, funny, generous, talented, or a good cook. I have selected you for these qualities because they enhance my<\/em> life. But what if you lose one of these qualities, are you then unworthy of my love? How do I love you<\/em> if you lose the qualities that I have sought in you because they serve me<\/em>? My challenge is to transform you from an \u201cIt,\u201d an object that serves my needs, into a \u201cYou\u201d whose essential being I value for yourself?<\/p>\n

In order to do this I must be able to separate myself from my needs; to \u201ctranscend\u201d them, if you will.\u00a0 As hard as it might be, we can aspire to a state of being wherein we are not our needs<\/em>. This is confusing and difficult. We all have needs.\u00a0 God knows we have needs. But in order to relate to you as a \u201cYou,\u201d in Buber\u2019s terms, I must be able to experience \u201cYou\u201d as a unique and separate being, and not simply as a means to my ends. And here\u2019s another wrinkle: If I treat you solely as an instrument to my ends, the relationship must necessarily diminish you and sooner or later you will feel used and resent it. Finally, and ironically, to the extent that you are not a “person” to me in your own right, I will eventually come to have contempt for you because at my center, I want a relationship with a person<\/em> rather than with an instrument, however useful.<\/p>\n

Choosing to relate to a You<\/em> as opposed to deriving benefits from an It<\/em> in our relationships really makes a difference in our everyday experience. It behooves us to get clear about our relationship values. We must ask the question, What represents the greater value, choices that exploit our relationships to serve short term personal gain, often at the expense of our beloved or our beloved\u2019s interests, or choices that serve You<\/em> and Me<\/em> and the entity that is us<\/em>?\u201d This choice requires maturity, self-discipline and adherence to the higher values reflected in the Relationship Arts.<\/p>\n