Relationship Arts

Our impulse to bond is such a primitive, complex and essential force, that cultures throughout the world have deemed it necessary to provide oversight through ritual and rite. Where this occurs, individuals, for better or worse, inherit a whole set of rules, spoken, written, or unspoken, concerning the details of the roles and expectations of marriage. The implication is that to be a “good” person, and to have a successful marriage, you must work very hard to perform your roles and to meet expectations.

Black and Purple Petunias, Georgia O'Keeffe

“To create one’s own world in any of the arts takes courage.” Georgia O’Keeffe

But in today’s Western societies, expectations and social injunctions have loosened to such an extent that they barely exist. Now it has become the responsibility of each individual to clarify his or her own vision of the relationship s/he wants, to choose partners, to define the nature of the relationship, to choose to maintain or discard the relationship over time, and, most problematically, to create the rules.

In cultures like ours the commitments to intimate partnership are stressed by the competing commitments to individuality and to the actualization of self. We want to be part of the partnership, but we also want to maintain our own individual identities and boundaries. Relationships, and specifically marriage, without socially defined, shared, and supported roles, is very anxiety provoking. We never quite know what to do; at every step in the process we have to make it up. But roles and rules make us anxious; they inhibit us and thwart our creativity, personal expression, and actualization of self. This is the social context in which modern relationship partners find themselves, and it presents this challenge to aspiring Relationship Artists: how can we create and re-create our relationship, over-and-over again, so that it uniquely reflects the transforming shapes of our needs and aspirations throughout our life together?

Relationship Artists strive to maintain the understanding that their relationship is an organic, transforming process, and always a work in progress.

The Relationship Artist understands that a relationship with the right person at the right time can provide a transcendent opportunity. It is an opportunity to share the journey of moving above and beyond the accidents of our birth. These accidents of birth include all of the factors that helped to form us, and over which we had no control. These might include our physical attributes, such as skin or hair color; gender; our parents and kin stretching back to the first man and woman; our gifts, such as intellect, judgment, impulse control, empathy, imagination, physical beauty, grace and strength, and personality attributes, (need for control, order, recognition, attention, intellectual stimulation); our time in history and geographic place on the planet; our social status and wealth; the culture we inherit from our parents and neighbors; our primary language and the way it shapes our thinking; the media we are exposed to; the propaganda and marketing; the illnesses we suffer; the ecological conditions during the time of our development.  Clearly, the list can go on and on. And without getting into lofty discussions of free will and determinism, suffice it to say that there is much over which we have no control.

Eubie Blake

“Be grateful for luck. Pay the thunder no mind – listen to the birds. And don’t hate nobody.” Eubie Blake

There is a time, however, if we are very lucky, that we may become aware of this existential condition and make a conscious decision to transcend it. It is at this point that we can begin to make the efforts to transform our values and reshape ourselves. What a wonderful opportunity this provides for Relationship Artists partnering in a relationship: the opportunity for each to help the other transcend the “accidents” of their births and become all that they can be.

What are values anyway, and how do they affect a relationship? Values can be reflected in our thoughts as “beliefs,” or they can be reflected in our behavior as actions. Both of these aspects of “values” affect our relationships, but probably our actions are more relevant. “Actions speak louder than words,” goes the old cliché, and for good reason. We’re not talking about what’s true or false here, or what is right or wrong. Values are about what is important to us. Sounds simple but actually, it’s more complicated than that in practice because most of the time we have values that are in conflict with one another. For example:

Thomas knew that his wife, Danielle, was looking forward to a day at the beach with Thomas, the kids, and her sister’s family. Thomas knew that he would enjoy the outing, and what’s more, he valued “family time” and making Danielle happy. Unfortunately, he also was expected to finish a work project by Monday, which he would never get done if he did not invest the whole weekend. Here the values of achievement, and family time were in conflict with one another.

They make us scratch our heads and force us to decide which of our choices represents our more salient value. Often, the values of relationship partners come into conflict with one another, as well. These “inter-personal” value conflicts also require sorting out and require some kind of resolution which can take a variety of forms from discussion to all-out ongoing war. Values which can be at odds in instances of relationship discord may be things like: Orderliness vs. Spontaneity; Strict Authoritative Discipline vs. Dialog and Negotiation; Conservative choices vs. Exciting choices; Spending vs. Saving. There are many more.

Martin Buber, I and Thou

“This, however, is the sublime melancholy of our lot that every You must become an It in our world.” Martin Buber, 1970

Relationship Artists see a creative challenge in the task of working out value and attitude conflicts. However they also understand the need to start with a shared sense of the fundamental values that shape the processes of their marriage, among these being trust, respect, and counting each other all the time. The most fundamental is the recognition of our partner as a unique and valuable person who counts all the time.  A “You” and not an “It”. This is a value; an ideal, which in practice is not so easy. Our inner children don’t give a hoot about our stinkin’ values (or our partner’s needs and wants either, for that matter). It’s a challenge to be an adult under pressure, to remember that you are arguing with someone that you love, and who’s interests you cherish as much as your own. Practice.

The Relationship Arts reflect a set of attitudes, values, intentions and skills that contribute to the lifelong process of creation and re-creation that is a committed relationship. The Relationship Artist is a person who dedicates him- or herself to the pursuit of a transcendent relationship, and who never takes the process for granted. Awareness of these attitudes, values, intentions and skills becomes a profoundly important part of the daily experience of life for the Relationship Artist, in the same way that awareness of sound and rhythm is elemental to the musician’s work; awareness of form, color and line is essential to the painter; awareness of volume, form and texture is vital for the sculptor; and awareness of movement is indispensable to the dancer. And like the martial artist, the Relationship Artist is committed to pursuit of a centered, transcendent self-discipline that shapes all of the decisions of his or her life.

Fallingwater, Frank Lloyd Wright

“All fine architectural values are human values, else not valuable.”
Frank Lloyd Wright

Relationship Artists see a creative challenge in the task of working out value and attitude conflicts. However they also understand the need to start with a shared sense of the fundamental values that shape the processes of their relationship, among these being, commitment, trust, respect, and counting each other all the time.

The idea of “art” is ancient, rich and varied, and we know, of course, that it is many things to many people. Like other creators of art, the Relationship Artist devotes much of his or her energy to finding inspiration from any and all sources and creating a relationship that is personally fulfilling, emotionally rewarding and spiritually transcendent for both partners. Like any other artist, the Relationship Artist develops his or her craft, and focuses on elements of intention, creativity, imagination, and process.

Friendship by Treacey Emin

“I’m a terrible cook, but if I could cook, I would see that as art as well, it’s how much creative energy you put into something.” Tracy Emin

The Relationship Arts represent a set of beliefs, attitudes, and commitments that can contribute significantly to an enhanced experience of committed, intimate relationships, and, consequently, life. As this blog unfolds the reader will not find formulas, or recipes, or the suggestion that there is a “right” way to do a relationship. On the contrary, readers will come to understand that a relationship can be as unique as the individuals who join to create it. It is their creation, their work of art, and the more “art” they bring to the process, the more satisfying the result will be. But it’s not a free-for-all and as we proceed we’ll explore some of the ground-rules.